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Thread: Family and Parenting

  1. #181 13 Tips to Transition to Peaceful Parenting — by Dr. Laura Markham 
    Here's number 1.

    1. Start with yourself.

    “I recently discovered Aha! Parenting and am trying hard to change things at our house, but my kids seem to be acting out more. So I still lose it. And I feel so guilty about the past. What am I doing wrong?”

    Shifting your parenting approach is a big transition, and you can expect some bumps as you and your whole family learn new patterns of relating.

    Those bumps don’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong, even if your child sometimes “acts worse” than she ever would have before. In fact, what’s happening when your child acts out is that she’s showing you feelings from the past, from those times when you yelled or punished, and she felt so alone and misunderstood. It takes extra compassion from you, but your empathic response will heal those hurts so you can all move on.

    You might think of it as healing old hurt feelings so they .

    Many parents also find themselves feeling guilty for the way they acted before they discovered peaceful parenting. But feeling bad doesn’t help you act “good,” any more than it helps your child. So ditch that guilt. You’re paying the price, after all, and making amends now, by helping your child heal those old hurt feelings.

    The “peace” in peaceful parenting comes from you. Specifically, from your commitment to regulate your own emotions. That means that when you feel upset, you Stop, Drop your agenda (temporarily), and Breathe. You notice the sensations in your body, which helps you stay more conscious, so you don’t get hijacked by anger. You refuse to act on that urgent “fight or flight” feeling that makes your child look like the enemy. Whenever possible, you delay taking action until you feel more calm.

    This takes practice — both in those tough moments with your child, and in general, as you become more aware of your own thoughts and emotions. It’s not easy. In fact, it’s really, really, hard. Every time you do this, though, you’re building gray matter in your brain, which develops impulse control. And you’re excavating those triggers that make you lose it, so you don’t get upset so often.
    13 Tips to Transition to Peaceful Parenting — by Dr. Laura Markham

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  2. #182 What Happens When Grandparents Help Raise Children — by Maryam Abdullah 
    About 1 billion people in the world today are grandparents. Because humans are living longer, we are spending more time in the grandparenting role compared to past generations. What’s more, people are having fewer children overall, which means that grandparents can dedicate more distinct time to each grandchild.

    Grandparents have been universally important in families across time and their role continues to evolve, but their involvement in their grandchildren’s lives is different around the world. In the United States, roughly 10% of grandparents lived with a grandchild in 2012. In Africa and Asia, living in a multi-generational household is a common practice.

    A number of recent studies of families in several Asian countries help to shed light on how grandparents are involved in coparenting, which researchers define as the sharing of child care and upbringing responsibility among two or more adults. These studies suggest that children benefit when parents have strong relationships with coparenting grandparents, and point to some ways that this relationship can be nurtured.

    How parent-grandparent harmony helps children
    What Happens When Grandparents Help Raise Children — by Maryam Abdullah

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  3. #183 Where Did My Child Go? Behaviour Problems in Adolescent Children — by Dawn Walton 
    “I hate you!” screams your adolescent child. This is the culmination of a dialogue that includes language that you never expected to hear directed at you, much less from your own child. Part of you wonders what would have happened if you dared to talk to your own parents that way. Part of you is shaking with rage or upset, that they have directed such hurtful vitriol at you – the person that has nurtured and loved them since they were a baby. What did you do to warrant this? You probably asked them to do some task, or maybe suggested they didn’t do something. Maybe you just asked them how they were.

    This child that you are dealing with is not the same person you have loved and watched grow and develop. This is like a totally different person. They storm off to their room, banging and kicking things as they go. You sit, in shock, and wonder where you went wrong. Were you too strict or not strict enough? What will happen if they talk to others like this?

    You try and work out how you can get through to them; to correct the behaviour before it goes too far.

    A few hours later they reappear and apologise. They feel terrible. You sit and try and talk to them like a responsible adult. You explain that they can’t behave that way. You ask them why, looking for something you can use to change their behaviour. They don’t speak. They just shrug. They don’t make eye contact with you. Both of you are frustrated.

    As you can’t let this sort of behaviour continue, you ‘punish’ them to make sure it’s clear how unacceptable this is. You remove their technology. This makes both of you miserable, but you feel you have to do something.
    Where Did My Child Go? Behaviour Problems in Adolescent Children — by Dawn Walton

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  4. #184 Our Favorite Parenting Books of 2020 — by Maryam Abdullah, Jill Suttie, Diana Divecha 
    Greater Good’s editors pick their favorite books to help parents and their kids thrive.

    For a lot of families, parenting has never been harder than it was this year. Many have been struggling for months trying to provide child care and schooling at home while simultaneously working either alongside their children or as essential workers in the community, if they haven’t already lost their jobs.

    The theme that emerges across our favorite parenting books of the year is how important connection and communication are. Whether it’s sensory communication between parents and babies during cosleeping, conversations parents have with their young sons entering puberty, or talking about scary news, one major key to children’s social and emotional well-being is warm, open parent-child communication.

    These 2020 books offer science-based practical tips and sample scripts to help you communicate better with your children, build closer relationships, and set them up for happiness and resilience in life.
    Our Favorite Parenting Books of 2020 — by Maryam Abdullah, Jill Suttie, Diana Divecha

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  5. #185 8 Signs of Toxic Family Relationships Most People Think Are Normal — by Sherrie Hurd 
    While those little irritating actions from loved ones may seem normal, maybe they’re not. You might just be dealing with toxic family relationships.

    Toxicity is one of the hardest things to recognize. That’s because layers of seeming goodwill are often enveloped between heinous motivations. This is especially true among family members – you may be surprised to find out. Yes, your family can sometimes be your worst enemies. I bet you’ve heard that one before, haven’t you?

    How to recognize toxic family relationships?

    Before delving into the details of toxic relationships, I think we should all get an understanding of what the word, ‘toxic’ means. While the word has a literal meaning, it also has a meaning that explains the mental turmoil we sometimes go through.

    Toxic is something poisonous, bad, or harmful that can make you sick, physically or mentally. Something or someone who spreads unpleasant, malicious, or controlling feelings.

    Yes, this definition encompasses anything that can make us ill or even eventually cause death. Because, if you cannot get away from the toxic influence, and you cannot deal with it properly, it will drain your life.

    If you’re not sure whether members of your family are toxic, there are some signs that differentiate what is normal from what is not. Let me make sure you understand that these signs are far from ordinary.

    1. Bringing up the past
    8 Signs of Toxic Family Relationships Most People Think Are Normal — by Sherrie Hurd

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  6. #186 5 Unhealthy Parenting Styles That Create Imbalanced Children — by Michelle Liew 
    There is no doubt that all parents want the best for their children, and do their utmost to raise them well. While their intentions are honorable, some parents may use methods that cause their children to become unbalanced mentally, emotionally and socially.

    So, what is the relationship between improper parenting and poor behavior? What are the parenting styles you should avoid if you want to raise a healthy, intelligent child who has sound, well-balanced emotions? Also, what are some positive parenting styles you can adopt?

    The Relationship Between Bad Parenting and Delinquent Behavior

    There is a relationship between poor parenting and a child’s unwanted behavior.

    The National Parenting Support Commission (NPSC) in Jamaica has found that ineffective parenting results in bad behavior. The data they collected on young people in the Kingston and St Andrews areas showed that parents who had ill-behaved children did not look after them. They failed to set up structures for their children and did not nurture them.

    Another study in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology pointed out the relationship between negative parenting and delinquency. After analyzing 181 published studies, they found that poor behavior came about because of negative support. It included neglect, aggression, and rejection.

    Many other studies show that some parenting traps may turn a child into a sociopath or a narcissist. Some kids do not behave soundly because their parents fail to set up boundaries or state consequences.

    Also, they show such behaviors because their parents stand up for them even when they are in the wrong. What is also noteworthy is that parents did not teach sound moral values.

    Five unhealthy parenting styles that create imbalanced children
    5 Unhealthy Parenting Styles That Create Imbalanced Children — by Michelle Liew

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  7. #187 8 Smart Ways to Teach Children Emotional Regulation — by Kara Reynolds 
    Do your child’s public tantrums leave you hesitant to go to the grocery store? You’ve probably noticed by now that the words “calm down” do little to relax an overwrought toddler.

    If you want a less stressful parenting experience, teaching your children to identify and manage their feelings is vital. Here are eight smart ways to teach your children emotional regulation and help them succeed in life.

    1. Work It Out

    People often talk about the fight-or-flight response to stress, but in reality, folks respond to perceived threats in one of four ways: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. You probably employ the freeze response when receiving a workplace reprimand — it’s similar to how a rabbit plays dead in hopes that an inescapable hungry wolf decides it prefers fresh meat.

    If you watch that bunny once the danger passes, you’ll see it start to shake. It does so to dispel the nervous energy that comes from the neurotransmitter and hormonal cocktail the body releases under stress. In humans, these substances can lead to erratic and frustrating behavior — like tantrums.

    Take a hint from the rabbit and encourage physical activity to help your little one release overwhelming emotions. Play gives your child a non-destructive way to dissipate their nervous energy instead of breaking or destroying things. Make the playground your second home, and let your toddlers run, skip and jump.
    Hey there are seven more strategies to read about here...

    8 Smart Ways to Teach Children Emotional Regulation — by Kara Reynolds

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  8. #188 Teens with Secure Family Relationships ‘Pay It Forward’ with Empathy for Friends 
    The big idea

    Teens with more secure family relationships get a head start on developing empathy, according to my colleagues’ and my new study tracking adolescents into adulthood.

    In contrast to popular myths about self-obsessed teens, existing research shows that adolescence is a key stage of development for the growth of empathy: the ability to stand in someone else’s shoes, to understand and resonate with their emotions and to care about their well-being. Empathy is a skill that develops over time, and it has major consequences for teens’ social interactions, friendships and adult relationships.

    So how do teens learn this critical skill?

    Our team’s new findings, published on July 15, 2021, in the journal Child Development, suggest that teens who have secure, supportive family relationships provide more empathetic support to their friends.

    Imagine yourself as a teenager with someone in your life who understands your struggles, offers help and makes you feel supported and connected – that’s what empathetic support is all about.

    Teens with Secure Family Relationships ‘Pay It Forward’ with Empathy for Friends — by Jessica Stern

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  9. #189 When to stop parenting — by Dr. Ichak Adizes 

    We’ll start with a joke. A guy goes to work and he’s all scratched and bloody and blue and beaten up. So his co-workers ask him, “What happened?”
    “I buried my mother-in-law yesterday.”
    “What happened?”
    “She did not cooperate.”
    This is an extreme situation when you try to parent somebody you should not parent anymore.

    What I’m learning in old age is that at a certain point in time, children resent being parented. Don’t want to be told what to do, don’t want to learn the experience of the elders. That was not true in the past. My grandfather was the boss. His word was law, including for my father, who was in his 40s. My father was also the dominant figure in my family, and I never dared to disobey him. He continued giving me advice and instructions on what to do until he died. I didn’t like it, but I listened. Yes, it was in the last century. I am 83 now.

    Today, it’s a different world. Children become “adults” early. They know the computer technology better than us. I could not operate the latest TV screens without them. I am constantly asking for help with the latest changes to my computer applications. I am the ignorant student. They are the knowledgeable teachers now. They’re influenced by TV, by social media, by external factors, school, their friends; so the impact of the family and its control over their behavior is diminished significantly. Thus, they rebel earlier. If you try to control them, they simply run away. You can see that, especially in America, where children graduate from high school and go to college as far away from home as possible. And then find jobs far away from home too. They want to be independent, and if you try to continue parenting them, they resent it and they don’t call back any more.

    We need to learn to cut the cord and let them go their way.
    When to stop parenting — by Dr. Ichak Adizes

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